Godslayer by Qodebreaker

My name could be God-slayer. I have slain God twice, figuratively. If it was literally I would have to find Him first and produce his mortal remains.

I have renounced his existence twice in my life. I looked into the heavens and declared him non-existent or impotent and dared him to show up to prove me wrong. And apprehensively I waited for a dark cloud tinged with angry purple lightening serpents. I checked the ground beneath lest I miss the suddenly yawning earth about to swallow up my foolish self.

Nothing of a sort happened. Time went on as it had always had. Kind of makes you wonder what could drive someone to this point. Well the first time had to do with hell. Was it the movie Jennifer’s body that said “Hell is a teenager?”

In 1998 I was 19 years old. My teenage hormones had raged battle with my sanity for years. This was the last battle. My hormones had fancied a cute thing since 1993 or so. I thought she was created just for me, my soul-mate and such other fantasies. And I could not gather courage to talk to her and tell her just how I felt.

Years passed, till she made the first move. I had not known that we had similar demons haunting us. Slaves of chemical imbalances disguised as emotional and spiritual expressions. I felt like the dark clouds had been rent asunder by a mighty sword and the Fates were smiling on me. But life is like a game of Die. Sometimes it rolls in your favour and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes the die is loaded.

We could not be together, I was the UT, the Unknown Troglodyte who fancied a princess of sorts. The ostracism was immediate and harsh and I began to dig the ground with bare hands till I hit rock bottom then I dug some more.

I walked in that state for some months. And walked out of it the same way I walked out the second time.

The second bottom which occurred in 2007, came out of battles with depression over many unanswered conundrums. Why the sicknesses, why the struggles with sin? Why hell? Why wars? Can I believe a book written by a spectra of learned and ignorant men? So I took a dagger and slew him again.

Then went out to find more logical paths. That is why I bought Richard Dawkins’ The God Delusion. I hungrily drank page by page. How did I feel? After years of faith and hope?

In some ways I felt like British writer John Osborne who is quoted to have a badge which reads “Since I gave up hope, I feel so much better”. No Hope equalled no expectations and no internal pressure to see life conform to some datum and thus no frustration and no depression. But I began to see glimpses. Glimpses that coalesced into a person by the end of the book.

“Are you satisfied now that I do not exist and I m impotent?” he asked, his eyes were neither gentle nor harsh just inquisitive.

I reached out slowly, gingerly to him and he didn’t budge. He just stood there looking at me.

“Why did you never manifest majestically, why didn’t you try to prove to me about yourself?” It slipped my lips before I really thought about it. I gulped. He laughed and sat down on the ground. I felt awkward. So I sat down too.

“I didn’t have to and to answer your next question. I don’t hate you, and I am not here to punish you. We are reasoning together aren’t we? Come I want to show you something” He got up and began to walk.

I followed and asked. “What do you want to show me?”

“I want to show you hope”.